Live or Let Go
by olicityplease
Summary: Felicity Smoak was in love with Oliver Queen, but Oliver Queen had told her time and time again they would never be. Will she finally let him go or will he choose to live and accept that Felicity is part of living?


Felicity woke up to the sun streaming in through her window, barely peeking over the horizon. She rolled over to see her alarm clock read 6:05am and groaned. She didn't have to be up for at least another half an hour. She easily convinced herself to get that last half hour and fell back against her pillow, pulling the covers over her head. Felicity was hoping she was going to fall asleep quickly – she never had enough sleep – but her mind had another plan. That plan? Thinking about Oliver I-have-to-be-alone Queen.

Usually, Felicity was able to put Oliver to the back of her mind. When she was in the foundry, her focus was on saving the city. When she was helping Ray, her focus was helping Ray. But here, in the confines of her bedroom, he always found a way to creep to the forefront of her mind. Within the four walls of her bedroom, with her Sherlock poster and her glorious DVD collection, she thinks about him often.

Thinking about Oliver hurts her deep in her soul in a way she has never experienced before. It's different than when she saw his computer setup her first time in the foundry and told him it hurt her in her soul. It did, but this soul-crushing pain she felt now went to her core. The pure emptiness that had taken over her heart reached depths she never thought possible. She thought when she lost Cooper that she had known real pain and heartbreak, but what she had been feeling for months now made what she felt with Cooper seem childish.

She had tried moving on from Oliver and the pain that came with him. She even dated Ray Palmer for a little while, but the inevitable happened – she realized he wasn't Oliver; he would never be Oliver. Accepting the fact that she would always be waiting for Oliver caused Felicity to reevaluate everything in her life. She broke up with Ray, quit her job at Queen Con- No, Palmer Technologies, and even limited her time in the foundry (and around Oliver) to only 2-3 nights a week. She needed to figure her life out, and that wasn't going to happen in the place where she had fallen in love with Oliver Queen.

Felicity startled at her alarm clock reminding her life waited for no one. She threw her arm out and turned the alarm off, groaning.

"Time to get the day started."

Felicity descended the stairs in the foundry later that night, her feet screaming at her after the long day she spent on them. Her new job as the technical analyst at the police station was exhausting and definitely didn't pay enough. She liked being able to help, but she missed the days when she was just an IT girl. But those were the days before Oliver Queen was in her life, and she couldn't bring herself to regret that. Ever.

When she reached the bottom of the stairs, Felicity saw Oliver, Digg, and Roy sparring on the mats. Thea was on the salmon ladder, doing quite impressively, and Malcolm was nowhere in sight. Felicity breathed a sigh of relief that Malcolm wasn't around as she made her way to her computers, check for updates and what-not. Another hour passed of everyone doing their own thing before she felt more than she heard Oliver make his way over to her.

Her body immediately reacted to him any time he was in a ten foot radius of her. The hair on her arms stood to attention while her palms started sweating and her heart began thumping in her chest. She hated that she always reacted to Oliver this way, but she accepted long ago that this was how it would always be for her.

"Felicity. I need you to work your magic and see what's been going on with that drug cartel in the Glades. They've been too quiet ever since they killed the police officer last week. We need something so we can catch them." Oliver told her, coming to stand behind her. She could feel the hand resting on the back of her chair and she chastised herself with a "Get it together, Felicity" before nodding her head and getting to work.

Three hours later, Oliver came back to the foundry with one less drug dealer on the streets. Felicity meant to leave before he got back, but she was concentrating on her work and time flew past her. Diggle left about an hour ago, having to get home to Lyla and baby Sara. Roy was still out in the Glades with Thea, training her. So now it was just Oliver and Felicity, and they hadn't been alone since before Felicity had broken up with Ray.

This could get awkward fast.

Felicity started packing up her stuff and shutting down her computers, trying to get out of there as quickly as possible without making it obvious that that is what she was doing. She stood, grabbed her purse, and turned around – only to find Oliver standing right behind her, arms crossed.

He was still in his Arrow gear, with his mask off and hood down. It represented everything he was to her and the image of him standing there caused tears to spring to life in her eyes. He stood as the Arrow, but to her, he was Oliver Queen. At the same time, he would also always be the Arrow to her too. He may be two separate men to the world, but to her, he was the world. He was the man who couldn't lie to her, the man who became a hero in every sense of the word, but he was also the man who broke her heart. He was also the man who told her he loved her only to say they can't be together. He was the man who chose dying as the Arrow over living life with her.

He was the man she was hopelessly in love with and the man she couldn't have.

"Felicity…" Oliver said, stepping forward. She shook her head and raised her hand, silently asking him to stay away. She couldn't allow herself to be comforted by him, because she wasn't sure she would be able to let him go after being so close to him. Not again.

"Don't, Oliver. Please. Just… Don't. Not tonight." She whispered, barely able to get the words out. She gathered all the strength she had and walked away, not daring to glance back at the man she loves.

Felicity tossed and turned that night, unable to forget the way Oliver said her name in the foundry only hours before. She looked at the alarm clock on her night stand only to find only ten minutes had passed since she last checked. Accepting she wasn't going to get to sleep tonight, she climbed out of bed and threw her robe around her before making her way to the kitchen. She was grabbing for a bottle of water out of her fridge when she felt it. Her heart started to race, her palms began to sweat, and the hair all over her body stood at attention.

She took a deep breath before she turned around, her shoulders slumped.

"Oliver. What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night." She said to him, unscrewing the lid on her water with shaky hands.

"We need to talk, Felicity." Oliver told her, causing Felicity to immediately panic. What was he going to tell her now? That they couldn't even work together to save the city anymore? It's not as though he could take anything else from her. He already took the man she loves when he chose to be the Arrow over being Oliver Queen. He took any happiness she could ever have in love because her heart would always belong to him. To this… man who was really only half of a man – forever giving himself to the city that needed him. What else could he do to her before she finally broke?

Felicity took her time in taking a drink from the water bottle she had almost forgotten about. She tried slowing her racing heart, but to no avail. She replaced the lid and put the bottle on the counter, turning around to face Oliver again. He was no longer in his Arrow gear, now simply wearing dark jeans and a sweater. He somehow managed to command the small living room in her apartment with just his presence, even though he had never been there before.

She took a deep breath and made her way past Oliver, choosing she needed to sit down if they were going to have a talk right now. In the middle of the night. At her apartment. She just couldn't wrap her mind around it.

"Okay, Oliver." She said, trying to seem more confident than she was feeling and failing. "Talk."

She watched as Oliver hesitated before making his way to the couch Felicity had settled on, leaving an entire cushion between them. The tension in the air could've been cut with a red pen (the irony that Felicity used that of all things to choose is not lost on her) and Felicity thought she was going to burst with anticipation. Not the happy anticipation, like being excited to go to a comic con. More like the kind of anticipation that steals all of the air from your lungs, threatening to crush you from the inside out.

"What's going on with us, Felicity? Lately, it seems like you would rather be anywhere but the foundry." Oliver told her. "Does it… Does it have to do with Ray? John told me you ended things, but if you need time or-"

"It has nothing to do with Ray, Oliver." Felicity said, cutting him off and shivering at the icy tone of her own voice. "It does, however, have everything to do with you." Felicity finished, deciding with honesty. She couldn't beat around the bush anymore. They needed to hash things out before resentment became the only thing between them.

Oliver looked like she had struck him. His eyes looked so torn and Felicity almost reached out to him. Almost. But she couldn't. She needed to let him know how she felt.

"I broke up with Ray because of you, Oliver. Because no matter what you say to me – no matter how many times you tell me you have to be alone – I still love you. No matter who I try to move on with, you're always there in the front of my mind and my heart. I have tried, Oliver. I've tried convincing myself I could forget about you. Hell, I've even spent less time in the foundry so I could try to move on with my life, but I _can't_. That's my problem. You can forget about us, whatever we were, so easily, but I can't. It's exhausting acting like you don't affect me the way you do. I'm _exhausted_, Oliver. Then you come here, to the one place that I'm supposed to be allowed to relax, and you-"

Felicity gets cut off in the middle of her rant when Oliver places his hand on the hand she has in her lap and squeezes. Felicity slowly raises her eyes to his and gasps at what she sees in his bright blue orbs. She sees the pain that's always there from his time away, but she also sees the love. The same love she got a glimpse of when they were on their first date before it got blown up. The same love she saw when he told her he loved her. Tears fall down her cheeks and before she knows what's happened, he pulls her onto his lap and has her face buried in his shoulder, her sobs filling the quiet room around them.

"You are wrong, Felicity. You think you don't affect me, but you couldn't be more wrong. Every time you arrive at the foundry, I know you're there before I even hear your heels coming down the stairs. My heart beats out of my chest just thinking about you, much less when we're in the same vicinity of each other. Don't you feel it, Felicity?" She does. It's beating under her palm, feeling like it's ready to take her heart and run away into the sunset. "So please don't think you don't affect me. You do so much more than affect me. You consume me."

Oliver finishes and Felicity sniffles, her tears going dry. She leans back from him and sees the vulnerability she always wished he had shown her before. But all of his walls are down now, and she just takes him in. The words he used filling her heart where it had been empty for so long. The hand he had on her lower back, rubbing small circles, comforting her in the only way he knew how. But his mere presence was a comfort, and she wished he could see that.

Felicity goes to unfold herself from Oliver, but he squeezes her to him, holding her in place. "Felicity, I… You were the last person I saw on the mountain. After Ra's had stabbed me, I saw my family: my dad… my mom… Thea. And then, I saw you. I thought I was dead and you were the last person I saw. My life flashed before my eyes and you were everything. You _are_ everything. I'm not perfect, Felicity. I'm a broken man and I'm not sure where to go from here, but I love you. And I know that before I know anything else. Before I know who the Arrow is or who Oliver Queen is, the foundation for both of those identities is you. It will always be you."

Felicity's heart was beating so fast that she thought she was going to go into cardiac arrest. And at the young age of 25, that would be a shame. The man she loves wholeheartedly was telling her everything she ever needed to hear. "Y-You… You… What?" Felicity stuttered, her mind and her heart filling with so many questions and emotions that she couldn't sort it all out.

Felicity took a deep breath and stood, needing space from Oliver. Touching him was not helping her get her mind to focus. "Oliver, what are you saying?" She finally asked him, taking a deep breath. She wasn't sure she could handle him walking away from her again. She sure wasn't walking away. It was her apartment, after all.

Oliver stood, towering over her. He took her hands in his and took a deep, steadying breath. "I'm saying I'm in, Felicity. I'm all in. I'm throwing my hat in the ring, or whatever the saying is. I want you in my life in any way you'll allow."

Felicity couldn't believe what she was hearing. Was he really giving her everything she ever wanted? "Are you serious, Oliver? Like… You're not going to change your mind the next time I get a paper cut, are you?" Felicity asked, completely serious. He blamed himself for everything.

Oliver let out a small chuckle, wrapping his arms around her waist. He pulled her to him and they were touching from head to toe and Felicity felt a rush at the sensation. "I'm very serious. And if you get a paper cut, I promise not to freak out. I might kiss it and put a band aid on it, though." Oliver teased her, smiling the biggest smile Felicity had ever seen on his face.

She knew she had the same big grin on her face.

"Well, in that case… Got any paper?" Felicity teased before raising on the tips of her toes and bringing her lips to his.

Everything she put into that kiss is everything she felt being given back to her from Oliver. She felt the love, the pain, the hesitation, the surety, the fear… But she also felt that this – whatever they had – was just the beginning of forever.

Felicity broke from the kiss before saying, "Oh, and Oliver? I love you, too." She grinned and brought his lips back to hers.

Oliver had finally chosen to live and he had chosen to do it with her.


End file.
